Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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