i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
Randomize
