my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
