If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
Randomize