Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
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