So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
Randomize
