Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
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