Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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