clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
