I just pynch a tree in the face
I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
