At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
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