Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
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