hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Randomize
