You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
I touched a dick in church today
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
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