laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
God gave him joint rollers for hands
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
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