So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
