Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
Randomize