She told me she got a 15 on her A.C.T.. that's when I knew it was a done deal.
That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
Randomize
