Kareoke will never be a sober sport
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
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