Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
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