So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize