ya dads aren't the best wingmen
Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
my suitemate came in my room last night and flashed me. and then she just walked away. deff transferred to the right school
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
