Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
Randomize
