You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Randomize
