Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
Randomize
