i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
Randomize
