You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
Randomize
