Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
Randomize
