I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Randomize
