dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
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