LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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