i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
