The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
They took my balls.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
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