My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
So it's safe to say that it's all down hill from here
Do you mean easy livin or downward spiral of alcoholism and disappointment
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
