I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize