seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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