Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Randomize
