Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
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