the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
Randomize
