She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
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