Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
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