I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
Randomize