Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
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