The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
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