Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
17 year olds will be the death of me.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
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