someone get that fucking seahorse.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
what is college for if not random hookup sex?
learning.
i would literally fuck learning if i could.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Randomize
