I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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