I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
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