Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
I see my mary-anne walkin' awa-y-y! Bow Nahw now new, ne ne ne ne ne, ne ne nehw, ne ne new new Nah dan ah bwawn-now, ba bwan'll buh dada bwiddly doo.
That was supposed to be me air guitaring the solo from More than A Feeling
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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