Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize