Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
