I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
Randomize
