Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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