I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
Randomize
