My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
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