i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
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