now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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