smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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