Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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