Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize