Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
Randomize
