Define "chronic" masturbator.
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
I wonder if those guys know that i know that is a halfway house and dont just think it is some cool older guy frat house.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
Randomize
